Friday, January 31, 2014

Mr. Officer

I was driving north on highway 89 where the construction is. I was reaching for French fries when I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed some crappy person tailing me like crazy. And then the lights went on. Not the ones in my head, but the blue and red ones.

So I pulled off the side of the road and had a brief panic attack in just enough time for the nice man in the tan uniform to come to my window. It was already rolled down and I already had my registration and proof of insurance in my hand.

The lights from his car reflected nicely off of his molestashe and the shadow from his Stetson made it even creepier.


"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No I don't."
"Do you know what the speed limit is through that construction zone?"
"No I don't" These were all truths to me. Because lesbi honest here. My heart was racing and I was trying to figure out if maybe I flipped him off, or if I was swerving from French fry reaching or what.
"It's 35. You were going 57 when you passed me. Did you see me parked on the side of the road?"
"No I didn't." Again, you probably think I'm lying. But deep down to the core of my heart I. had. no. idea I was going so fast! I was going with the flow of traffic. I promise.
"I'm gonna need your license."
"I actually don't have it. But I know my number and I ordered my license online yesterday."
"What happened to it?"
"I have a 2 year old."
"Do you have the email?" At this point I was already desperately trying to search through my inbox to find it. I couldn't think straight and I"m pretty sure I searched for things non related to the AZ Department of Motor Vehicles and Service Arizona. I couldn't even think of those words.
"I'm looking for it."
"I'll be right back."

So he walked away and then I started crying because in my head I was wondering why in the eff this was happening. I had 3 kids in the car, we'd been on the road for oh about 7 hours. and we were tired. Plus my van smelled like fast food. Was that not enough?

He walked back up to the van and I showed him the email.
"How long will it take it to get here? Oh I see it says 5 days. You really should have gone into the building itself to get a copy."
"My husband is in the military and we are between houses right now. Plus I have 3 kids."
"I could ticket you for not having your license and you'd have to go in front of a judge with proof. Of course by then you'd have the license,"
"Yeah and I could tell you you're an idiot because I've done everything in my power I can do. I've ordered it. Paid the fuggin $12 and I know my license number!" I didn't say that.
"Well try and keep it out of your kids hands. Because you really need to have it on you. I'm just gonna give you a verbal warning today. But watch your speed. Especially because you have kids."
"Thank you so much."

SO! The new me would be so grateful for the great luck I had in not getting any sort of ticket. I didn't even get a piece of paper! I got off sooooo nicely. And I'm truly thankful for that.

The devilish side of me wants to say what a dum guy he is. This is why law enforcement has a bad name. Because of people like him. He made his point the FIRST time he told me I needed to have a copy of my license on me at all times. He didn't need to tell me how I need to keep my purse out of my kids hands or how I needed to go into the building and blah blah. I did the best that I could as a normal human being. For realz

He was the nicest dickiest cop. There. I'm still sad angry though. Because like I said before, I know what's in my heart and I wasn't trying to be an idiotic non safe driver.

I hope instead of pulling innocents over, he finds the chomos his mustache takes after.

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