Friday, April 2, 2010

Oh Remember, Remember


I can't figure out how to make my writing be alligned to the right. I just did. So, this could be a sad post, but it's not going to be. Or maybe it might be. I never know how to feel around this time of year. I feel sad, but I feel happy. My dad died, but it's my anniversary. Hmm... what feelings right?

So lots of things. We spent Friday (actual anniversary day) at the Fancy Dance. I got an awesome calling as the activities committee chairwoman. Super fun! And perfect for me I think. So we threw a Fancy Dance. We had a great DJ and awesome decorations, and lots of dancing, and food and most of all, FUN FUN FUN people. We all danced. Oh my. I wish you could have come. Thanks to everyone that helped. For real.

We picked the 25th as the day my dad died. We don't really know what day it actually was. I didn't want it to be my anniversary, so the day before was a better choice. We came home from our anniversary trip (to Vegas) and he was already dead. I hate that word. Dead. It's so terrible. And passed away? That's not much better. Anyone have a better, more uplifing word for death and dying? lol. Probably not.

I remember when we picked up my dad. From the funeral home. In a box. He sat on my lap on the way to Utah to have a memorial service for him. The box is heavy. I wonder if we should spread his ashes somewhere. I am grateful to my mom for paying for everything. She paid for everything. And she wasn't even married to him. Paid for the cremation, the urn, the trip to Utah, everything. Thanks Mom.

My heart races every time I talk to someone about him dying. How do you explain to someone without it being awkward, that you came home to your dad dead on your couch? I remember that day clear as anything. I remember climbing on the couch, shaking him to wake up. He looked like he was sleeping. I remember Becky coming over, her being the calm in the storm. Mom and Darrell came too. He hugged me as I cried. I had to call my sister Steph. That was hard. It's not the end I know, but in my life, in that day, it was the end. If for just a moment. My friend Tracy lost her dad too. She said something so profound to me. She said that time doesn't heal the pain, it just makes it LESS painful.

My grandpa died too (my dad's dad). Just recently in fact.  How cool is it to think that they are chillin' right now together? I bet they are digging some great trenches or something. It's not until you lose someone close to you, that you really come to understand God's plan for us. It becomes VERY real . I am happy to know that we will all get to be together again someday.

I have been working on this blog for a long time. I think it's time that I publish it. I don't feel like I have written enough about it though. There are so many things in my head that I want to get out. Maybe I'll go write another one? 

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