Friday, January 2, 2009

Still Feeling Blah

I was gonna make this a secret post. But I'm not sure I want to. Maybe when it comes time to post, I'll change my mind. This will probably sound like another poor me blog, but I don't really care. I'm kind of feeling that way. A little hopeless and a lot sadness.

I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of asking for help with no response. From the earthly people and the One up above. Maybe my lack of faith is exactly why there are no answers. I've tried though. For 25 years I've tried. At this point, I feel like I am gritting my teeth, hanging on for dear life. I want so bad to let go, but something keeps me hanging on...to everything. This sounds so suicidal. I'm not sure I am. I'm talking about a lot more than life. I'm talking about relationships, church, and everything else.

Motherhood is SO hard. Too hard for my liking. Moms don't get a break. EVER. They are programed with worry. The people I live with have been slightly hard on me for not wanting to talk about the sick babies. It's because I am already thinking about that. ALL the time. Not only am I thinking about the sick babies, I'm thinking about the laundry that is about to my ceiling, and the kitchen sink that is the same way. I'm thinking about my dirty floors, disgusting bathrooms, and the lack of food in the fridge.

We have been in the hospital with both kids this week at different times. Both were/are vomiting, feverish, lethargic, snotty, coughy-I made that word up, and just not themselves. One of them was diagnosed with an ear infection, the other with RSV. They've both been sick for over two weeks and I haven't been able to do much except care for them. Which means everything in the above paragraph (the one about my house) is magnified that much more. Not only that, but I am personally exhausted. The sicknesses (whatever they are), have not left much room for sleep. It makes it all that much worse. Here I am awake at 12:30 am because it's the only single moment I have to sit down and write. It's not even quiet. There's a Jackson and a Sadie in the background both hacking up their lungs.

Everyone is edgy in this house. Unkind words have been spoken on all parts without realization. I need to apologize for those. I blame it on me and my own negativity and lack of sleep.

I'm standing before a fork in the road. I don't know which way to go. I can honestly say that I feel completely torn. One side looks a lot easier to travel on, but the other one has a better ending.

Well I went and read some seriously funny and outrageously sarcastic blogs and it made me feel better. So I'm going to sleep now. Hopefully. See... I have hope. :)

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