Saturday, August 2, 2008

Burning Eyes

I am tired. I hate that feeling you get when you know you are tired but you don't or can't sleep. I sometimes just wanna be super honest in these blogs but I am not. What keeps me from it? I don't know. My own doubts.

David said that we should be able to depend on friends in family in time of need. He said it is their responsibility. I asked Jenny the same question and she responded the same as he did...that we should be able to depend on them. I suppose my response is more negative and pessamistic but it's how I feel. I wonder why. Anyway, I told David that I don't think we should. It's not their responsibility.

For example, we are in a time of need. We have already depended on so many people for things we can't take care of right now for ourselves... like housing and food and money etc. It is not their responsibility to do those nice things for us though. Am I alone in feeling such a way? Maybe I feel the way I do because for most of my life, things that are given to me come with strings attached. Nothing in life is free. So maybe my response is such because I don't want to feel like I owe people. That's not me playing the poor me card either. It's my opinion and my perspective. I don't have a Wayne Dyer response for that either.

I am a control freak too. Maybe that has something to do with it too. I want to be in control and I don't want to have to again, depend on people. I wanna do it all myself. I can see the Al-Anon response to that. "Let go, and let God." I want to. I really do.

Life is good other than the fact that we are still homeless, poor, and undirectional (at this moment). I kind of feel like the quote I have laughed at for so many years is now not so funny. "When you make a plan, God laughs." It's something like that. We decided to move, and did move within one week, and things are going not at all according to plan. Makes me laugh a little bit. The plan as of today is to get jobs. That's really all. I thought I had everything figured out. I totally don't.

I was hanging out with Steph and Kevin tonight. Steph mentioned something about plans and how she didn't know that everything was so planned out. I think she may have been slightly frustrated that people were dissapointed things didn't go "as planned". It's amazing how perspective changes outcomes. Maybe I shouldn't have such amazing plans so that I don't get dissapointed when things don't go as "outlined". I think God wants us to have a plan but it doesn't have to be the plan for forever... it can just be for today. Or for the week. Who's to say what will happen in a few days or weeks or months. Yeah. See. That makes sense. So don't get pissed at me world, when I don't do as I planned. Things change.

I'm not in the best state of mind lately. Good thing my sis gave me some good CD's to listen to. They have actually made a difference and I have seen the results. For example, I became friends with the lady at DES and with the traffic here in Phoenix. I haven't even said ANY bad words while driving. I am SO proud. Haven't even lost my cool. If you know me at all, you know that is huge. Okay, you don't have to know me because I only yell and cuss when I am alone in the car. Anyway, that Lisa is gone. The good one is here. Well the almost good one.

This is becoming the longest blog ever. It's more of a whining one today. But listen. I'm kind of tired of the schmack talking that occurs in my family. Say it to my face people. I know exactly who I am talking to yet I don't have the balls to confront. I feel like maybe they should go first. Or should I? Any ideas? Ugh. I feel like PA is calling me back. I miss it there. I miss you Janell. (and everyone else. Don't get butt hurt).

Its time for me to go look for more apartments. Yay.

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